Centuries ago, civilized societies recognized and acknowledged the most basic instincts of all - i.e., the need for companionship - and founded an honorable institution known as marriage. Experience has shown that this institution can help navigate the complex ocean of life full of conflicts, questions, concerns, temptations, joys, sorrows, ups and downs. Hindu ancestors set aside some guidelines to make sure that the institution is a permanent one capable of not only bringing happiness to two young people but also providing a delicate balance so that the family enjoys the fullness of life within the framework of what they called Dharma, the Hindu code of right conduct.
The subject matter of marriage has been discussed and debated ever since. The July 1989 issue of Readers Digest has an article entitled "Surprising Key to the Happiest Couples" written by two psychologists who conclude that "Romance ‘talks’ about love but it is friendship that puts love to the ultimate test". They continue and say "If there is one prevailing wish that husbands and wives have for their marriage, it is to be close companions for life. While many men and women know that love is essential for such a lifelong bond, they often don't realize that love without close friendship is only a hormonal illusion. One cannot desire another person over the long haul without really being best friends with that person."
This may sound like a newly discovered concept by modern psychologists but an ancient Hindu prince known as Yudhishtira revealed this "secret" about 4000 years ago. In an episode known as Yaksha Prashna in the Aranya Parva of that great epic, the Mahabharata, a divine being challenged the prince in exile to answer some questions, satisfactory answers to which may help restore the lives of his “dead” brothers
One of the questions the Yaksha asked Yudhishtira was
"kimsvin mitram grhesatah?" i.e. Who is the friend of a householder?
To which the prince answered
"bhaaryaa mitram grhesatah," i.e., the friend of a householder is his spouse.
According to Hindus, therefore, the basis for marriage is friendship and such friendship is the understanding, the promise and the commitment that unites a man and a woman. With such authority, there is then no question about the role of a woman, her importance, her position in this equation that binds them together.
Let us explore this further. In most Hindu wedding ceremonies, and especially among South Indians, a climax is reached when a particular event takes place. That peak in the ceremony known as Maangalyaddhaaranam confirms for ever and seals the bond between the bride and the groom through the tying of a golden necklace around the bride's neck by the groom. Legally, ethically and morally that moment is the sacred moment in the wedding when they become husband and wife. But what happens afterwards is truly the most significant and meaningful for the rest of their life together. Because, in a following ceremony known as saptapadi the bride and the groom hold hands and take seven steps together as husband and wife as they walk around Agni, the God of fire and pledge to each other their eternal friendship. What they say after they have taken those seven steps is unquestionably the foundation for a successful marriage. Together they chant:
sakhaa sapta padi bhava sakhyam te gameyam
sakhyam te mayoshah sakhyam te mayoshtah
“With these seven steps you have become my friend. May I deserve your friendship. May my friendship make me one with you. May your friendship make you one with me.” Anyone who has had any question about the role of a woman in Hindu marriage should pay special attention to the charge and blessing by the presiding priest at the end of the saptapadi. He recites:
Samraajni shvashurebhava Be queenly with your father-in-law
Samraajni shvashruvaambhava Be queenly with your mother-in-law
Nanandaari saamraajnibhava Be queenly with his sisters
Saamraajni adhidevrshu Be queenly with his brothers.
Nothing short of the status of a queen is what the scriptures prescribe. Hindu ancestors went even further: they blessed the bride by saying; "murdhaanam patyuraroha," i.e., "May your husband keep you on his head, meaning "let him respect you.”
There are in fact two more questions in the Yaksha Prashna where this subject matter comes up. In one question the Yaksha asks Yudhishtira:
kimsvid daiva krita sakha? Who is man's god-given friend?
Yudhishtira's answer was:
bhaaryaa daivakrita sakha- a man's God-given friend is his wife.
Again the basis of friendship in marriage is emphasized.
The basis of Hinduism is rooted in the Vedas composed around 1500 B.C. or earlier. A specific reference to the wedding ceremony of Suryaa (daughter of Surya, the sun god) is found in the Rig Veda. The Vedic ideal of marriage, according to Abhinash Chandra Bose (The Call of the Vedas, page 259, Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan, 1970) "is that of perfect monogamy, the life-long companionship of two people.”
A serious study of the Vedas reveals how practical the findings of the ancient sages truly are. Some Vedic prayers blended into a wedding ceremony are directed towards acquiring intellectual power, wisdom, efficiency, spiritual vigor, higher talent etc. leading to Brahmateja - the radiance of intellect. Other prayers are for strength, valor, power, fearlessness and qualities of heroism leading to Kshaatraveerya - the physical prowess. Acquisition of these two attributes, in Hindu thought, leads to fulfillment of Chaturvidhaphalapurushaarttha, the four aspects of life known as Dharma, Artha and Kama leading to the fourth- the complete release of bondage and to total freedom known as Moksha. Dharma truly forms the very core of Hindu philosophy (See my paper Dharmo Rakshati Rakshitaha, Bhavan’s Journal, June 2005.) The inclusion of Artha (financial aspect) and Kama (aspects of love) in this series confirms the practicality of Vedic thought.
The demands of Artha and Kama in the life of married people are in apparent conflict with the dictates of Dharma and Moksha. How does the Hindu resolve this apparent contradiction? This in fact was the third question on the subject asked of Yudhishtira by the Yaksha:
dharmashcaarthasca kaamashca paraspara virodhinah
eshaam nitya viruddhaanam katthamekatra sangamah
Dharma, arttha and kama conflict with each other. How can these contraries be reconciled? How can a householder necessarily involved in the pursuit of good life seeking arttha and kaama in raising a family and serving a community not find himself in conflict with Dharma and how can he strive for moksha? Notice that Artha and Kama are safely sandwiched between Dharma and Moksha. If salvation is to be your goal, the ancient Hindus said, then by all means practice fully in the affairs of the society, raise a family, enjoy the good life in a responsible way, serve the community- all within the framework of Dharma.
How does a grhasttha reconcile these contrary requirements? According to Yudhishtira, there is only one way and that is
yada dharmasca bhaaryaca paraspara vashanugau
tada dharmaartha kamaanam trayaanamapi sangamah
“When dharma and one's wife are in harmony, then dharma, artha and kama are reconciled.”
That means, a person, in order to keep that delicate balance among the attributes of arttha and kaama, has to have a spouse who is dhaarmic. It is that protection coming from such a spouse, that torch light, that spirit of friendship and cooperation and sacrifice that gives a reasonable chance for a couple to succeed in meeting this challenge of conflicting attributes.
Each step in a Vedic wedding ceremony conveys implicitly or explicitly an understanding between the couple. The life companion inherited this burden of providing the umbrella of Dharma so that the family she was going to raise - her own family - would be a Dhaarmic one. That is why a Hindu wife is not simply called a patni (wife) but she is always referred to as Dharmapatni, wife-in-Dharma. This then is the reason for that very special, very unique, very necessary role a woman was called upon to play in the Hindu household.
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